Sunday, January 01, 2017

Your 'holiday' is dumb..

We're not really doing holidays over here.

We didn't really do them last year either. Felix was in the hospital. They were just sort of a blur, except for what the staff (very wisely) made of them and other special days. (But the other days were special for a reason - - they were based on him and other family.)

All other holidays seem very arbitrary and, like cold weather fireworks, stupid.

I know they're important to mark the passing of a human life, but... these dates are made up. Why these dates? Why not? (Because they're stupid dates in the middle of winter. Australia wins the holiday war.)

I'll celebrate my own holidays without knowing that they're holidays except in reflection. I'm forever grateful for the time I have and what I've got. Someday, maybe Christmas will feel like Christmas again, and I really do like to go dancing, but for now, I can't. Christmas is when the lights get hung up, New Year's is when it's really expensive to go out, and the neighbor has a party until 12:30 a.m..

And inexplicable cold weather fireworks boom inexplicably from 12mid - 12:45 a.m.. (WHO'S WATCHING THEM? Imaginary dickheads in tall towers, that's who. I truly don't understand.)

I don't care to mark the passing of 2016 because I'm on a different timeline.

I'm glad folks are enjoying it and I am forever grateful for the joy and support and play those friends have brought me. I'll wish them love and can't wait to see their faces. I can't wait to play with them again.

Happy 2017, folks.



Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Hero Heroes Heroes

Carrie Fisher passed away yesterday, and that sucks. She's fine - - it just sucks for the rest of us.

The public grieving of Carrie Fisher and the explaining... always the explaining.. I don't know if it comes with that variation of geek grief, but everyone seems to not only be grieving, but explaining WHY WHY WHY.

(Sidebar - - growing up, I had no one to talk about science fiction fantasy comic books etc. with. I kept it mostly to myself, except for getting really excited when my fifth grade teacher chose to read Lloyd Alexander's "The High King" out loud. I remember Alana Olson complaining something about how I was the only one in class who liked books like that... but having her read that particular book was magic. After I grew up, and found myself at a couple of Science Fiction conventions, I grew pissed. Here are a group of people with your like-minded interest.. and they were arguing over who knew the most. They were one-upping each other on the trivia vs. celebrating the amazingness of it. Pissed Jen. It was like playing with musicians who were gear heads. I don't care what your instrument is: I care about how it treats you and you treat it. Maybe I just didn't find the right folks. Who knows... )

And here I am explaining why...

Princess Leia was the bomb.

She was not only my hero, but basically my only choice of hero. Visually represented speaking. The 80s were a great time for adventure movies, a rough time from heroines. Most female characters were just plot devices to get the white straight hero in trouble. There was a lot of screaming. So much screaming.

Princess Leia did not scream. She got shit done.

She had awesome outfits and wore her long brown hair (representation matters, folks) in actually practical ways. She was brave without saying she was brave. She was frustrated at the ineptness of the males around her, and just wanted to get the shit done.

SpeederBike Chase! Communing with Ewoks! Cloud City Dinner with Vader! Garbage chute! Bustin' up a Starbux! WHY DID SHE NEVER GET A LIGHTSABER! GAH!

I was her for multiple halloweens, and when in Kindergarten, we were able to make hand puppets out of paper bags, I made Princess Leia. With a tiny black blaster.

All my other heroines of note were letters on a page, until the edited-for-TV version of "Aliens" showed up and suddenly I had 3+ badass female heroines (I include Newt. Newt survived for a very long by herself in a spaceship full of monsters. Newt's great. And Martinez! And that poor pilot!) And of course Ripley, who, again, frustrated by the ineptness of the males around her, got shit done. Points for being a brunette.

And that was about it.

Marvel comic books eventually entered my household, and I got that weird mix of often poorly written but pretty awesome heroines (Hi Kitty Pryde. What. You also have a pet dragon. What? You're a brunette? That's fantastic.) and boobs. As the 90s continued, the scale tipped to all boobs all the time, and I gave up.

Things (obviously) have changed, thank god. The YA genre is filled with very capable heroines, and new comic book heroines have appeared, fully dressed. And, visually speaking, we've got a Rey and a Jyn and a Katniss and that poor tortured looking girl from whatever Divergent is. Hopefully we'll get some non-white heroines in there eventually please.

And Carrie Fisher. We love you, Carrie Fisher. You were smart capable honest flawed and funny. Your smile was amazing. Thank you for putting up with us, and not putting up with our shit. I wish you were still here. 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Dec. 24th, 2016

Google "Rediscover This Day" is kind of a jerk. 

This day, a year ago, we began our trip in hospital. Began what we might have suspected, but truly didn't know would define 2016 and ourselves for us. I see pictures of baby on a hospital bed. Our 2? 3rd? 4th EEG. My hair. 

I didn’t know. We didn’t know. Felix went code blue four times this night, terrifying 6th floor nurses, until they promptly moved us back to 3rd floor before the shift break. We didn’t know. All of the EEGs. All of the acetone. All of the glue. All of the readings. All of the questions that never really gave up answer. And at the center, a sweet trapped little boy. 

It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. We miss him so. 

I have my to do list on the refrigerator from before he was born. It says to Assemble the crib. The crib has been assembled, and it’s never coming down. 

I love you, Felix, and I miss you. There are so many people who love and miss you too. You touched so so so many. How can one little child, one little life, do that? YOU ARE AMAZING, DEAREST BOY, AND WE MISS YOU EVERY DAY. WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. 


I’m so lucky to have carried you, to have held you, to hold you. That your cells still swim through me, just like the other kiddos. Four pregnancies. One miscarriage. One beautiful healthy boy. One beautiful baby. One Who Knows. 

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Yesterday was such a beautiful day

It was such a beautiful and nice day.

Kiddo only had a cannula on. No eeg. Not anything else. Short seizures, rarely desat'ing. I just want to hold and hold and hold him.

Today, he has the EEG and a BPAP on. He kept desaturating over night.

I knew how rare and precious yesterday was. I miss it, and I hope we can go back to it. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

A unnecessary meditation on comic book television

From infant feeding to hospitalization, my intake of media is currently pretty limited by what I can stomach.

Which, right now, includes Superhero sitcoms produced by the CW..

Things..
 -  Brandon Routh and Grant Gustin are absolutely fantastic. I will watch them as superheroes, no matter what superhero they play. 

- why does the gentleman who plays Arrow always appear to be wearing eyeliner? Like a tiny underdressed Eddie Izzard.

- the superhero costuming makes sense.

- the regular costuming makes absolutely no sense... There's should not be that many crop tops as casual wear. Why does it seem to be continually 1995? I don't get you, TV's DC universe.

- Did you need a reminder that comic books are actually, in their heart of hearts, soap operas for 15 year old boys? Look no further!


... These two are romantically engaged, talking about past life couple dynamics... This is why one should rarely engage in EXPLAINING comic book plots to anyone. Your crazy fever dream can be  scary and alienating. 

- there's one actor who's approach to the his character is to bark every line... It's actually fantastic.

It's so dumb. But so smartly dumb. So self-conscious, and yet not. Much like comic nerds themselves. 

Onward.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Things that seem feasible right now

Things that seem feasible right now

 - Starting drinking. By choice.
 - Starting a faith in god. .. This also seems appropriate.

Luckily, escapism can currently come in the form of streaming television. I supposed to go to rehearsal today, and I don't know if I have the brain power. But. It's escapism too.

And also, there's just being here. Surrounded by isolation gowns and caring people who don't know.

Do parents just up and leave this situation? I keep wondering this. Whatever the saying from "Lilo and Stitch" (which would leave me even more crashed if I could remember it right now): that's what's happening right now.

Poor sweet little kid. Strong dude.  

Friday, January 08, 2016

Things I have contemplated while becoming a 'Hospital Mom'...

It turns out that there is a title for my current 'condition': hospital mom.

I never planned on becoming a hospital mom (I've only been a mom mom for around three years), but it's chance you take, having kiddos. Someday, the varietal of mom I am might take a different form: right now, I'm writing you from behind my almost-three month old's fancy-yet-janky hospital bed.

Things I have contemplated getting while hospital-momming:
 - Tattoos. Possibly all of them. My kiddos' names in the best of writing. (Although, I've found that their picture as my phone's home screen works really well. I look at that screen 100s of times per day. And now, everything time I get to see the picture, I get happy.) :)
 - A perm. This might be a cry for help. Or possible genius.

Things that are fun:
 - The anagrams that peppers medical speak. "I's and O's" meaning "Ins and Outs" (how much fluid he's taking in and producing), "PRN" for "per diem? something something", etc.. It's another language, and one that's fun to throw around.
 - The support. This place is amazing. And the systemic support is heartening and impressive.

Things that are not:
 - Intubation. Intubation is a godsend. Intubation is rough. I hate it and am so grateful for it.
 - This cold that follows me.

Things that are things:
 - We don't know what we don't know.
 - Even what we know, we really don't know.
 - We don't know much...

Please know we love you. (As does Aaron Neville. On every soft rock station. Forever.)