In my dreams, I keep.. losing the baby. He's there, and pop! Baby gone. Without any build up or explanation. And the world just keeps moving. Last night, it was another losing the baby dream. He rolled into a lake, terrifying, but made much less terrifying that, once I looked around for him, it turns out he knows how to swim. (adorable little underwater swimming baby). My brain is an Advanced Placement English student, and here is my Advanced Placement English sentence: So rarely are my dreams that blatantly metaphorical.
Hey blogfriends.. I don't know if you're still out there.. but HELLOOOO.. :) *************** It's a strange thing. I tend speak about myself in the plural now, as "myself" is wrapped up and tightly knotted in someone else (who used to be, literally, wrapped up in me). We're sort of developing patterns (which will fall away to other patterns - - maybe), and I know when to feel anxious i.e. anytime the house is left and we're to be in a single place for more than 10 minutes. Sleep is a mystery: last night was a run of 4 (?!) hours, then 2ish, then 30 minutes, 30 minutes. This, by many standards, is luxurious. Two nights ago, sleep was very sparse and 3 p.m. hit me at semitruck speeds. But - - this isn't my normalnormal. My normalnormal is/was running around, working, teaching, playing with people, stopping by random donut shops - - and I could, by many many accounts, still do. But I can't. I want to breastfeed. I need to heal. He needs time to get bigger. One scheduled "event" on the calendar is intimidating. Kiddo's schedule isn't, and right now, maybe shouldn't be, one. We don't do much, but someone I don't have the time (or focus/concentration) to finish assignment, answer emails, do the things that signify normalnormal. We're awake at 5 a.m., and suddenly it's 7 p.m. and the day's going to sleep and we should too. And I'm so damned lucky to be able to have the flexibility to do that. Generally speaking, new dads get to head back to the trenches earlier than new moms (except for the moms who HAVE to head back to the trenches and good god, YOU ARE AMAZING.) For me, the trenches I miss are at a certain awesome improv theater located in the LynLake region, and I currently don't know if I'm even currently capable of staying up for a 8 p.m. show. Would that wreck me for the next day? I DON'T KNOW. (I also don't want improv or performing or normal to slip away or to become scary. Maybe it's good to let it become scary for a while?) But - - it's what I'd like. That piece of the new normal. Others have accomplished it! It's not as scary as one thinks! I'm currently covered in breastmilk! And it's all talk until it actually happens. Here's to it. Onward. :)
I was walking out of Target, and a kid (if 20something can qualify as kid) said randomly to me:
"You're smiling. It's nice to see someone smiling. It's not something people do in the Cities. I thought it was a West Coast thing."
And I felt so lucky, cause I didn't know I was doing that.
And I asked, "How's your day?" because I'm awkward as sin.
And then I thanked him, and told him that he had made my day by saying that.
And I was all happy for the smiling, as I walked to my tiny car. That a stranger had talked to me, and said nice things.
And then I became SAD.
As - - smiling is not the norm here. In public, not what you do.
It's always sort of been one of my fussy bits about Minneapolis.
It might be a 'big city' thing, but I think it's more of a Northern-Scandinavian-thing, as Minneapolis ISN'T that big.
I'd like to be able to be smiley in public for no good reason. And if I'm doing it subconsciously, I won't try and stop. For-the-sake-of-the-Children!!, I won't try and stop.
After he stopped me, I immediately thought of moving to California. Newly romanticized California. ("Can people smile in California? There's sun and beach and terrible public school and funny apartments with swimming pools. Maybe it's time to move there! For-the-sake-of-the-Children!!")
And then I felt intrenched and blessed. I'm so lucky to know everyone I know here in Minneapolis, and I've laughed more here than anyplace in my life.
And when there's no reason to smile except for being lucky enough to have the cash to purchase what I need to purchase and it's really beautiful out, I'll keep smiling.
(As that's my natural tendency.. to think, if a stranger is trying to get my attention, it is probably to make fun of me... it's absolutely leftover public school leftovers).
They gently honked (twice), and then waved.
And then I waved back. And then waved goodbye when the light changed.
It was really really nice.
Thank you, random 20-30something guys in black hoodies and a white tiny car. You made me smile, feel nice, and it was good. (even if your intention was something different - - I don't think that it was - - it was just nice for me). Thank you. :)
It seems, if I can start my day off with an angry rant vs. meditating on the positive..
I was going to post a "hey, knock off the anger" feel good sort of thing.. and then I started to get angry. And hypocritical. And the entire point of said post FAILED.
(All this from a Jezebel.com article on evolutionary psychology. Which sounds FANCY! But really just gave way to a comment war that sounded something like "MISOGYNY IS EVERYWHERE!" vs. "SCIENCE IS KING!!!")
With no more context than that...
What I Believe:
- Science is squishy. What we've found out today will either be thrown to the ground or possibly improved upon tomorrow. To hold currently to what's in our text books as THE TRUTH is not, to me, scientific. Like faith, science gets to be questioned constantly. To be more specific, it SHOULD be questioned constantly. Or else, it lands in the realm of unwavering belief and PEOPLE. And people have a way of messing things up.
Re-evaluation is key.
(Using a faith-based example, I think the Bible recommends not eating shellfish. We've re-evaluated that 'belief'. Good job. Please get to work on the more prohibitive biblical 'laws' that some folks seem to be clinging too or twisting. I can do without a lobster roll. Civil rights for all would be bitchin'.)
- Science is only as good as the filters it travels through i.e. people. Again, people have a way of messing things up.
We can measure things forever. It's the interpretation of those measurements that runs into trouble. And also where we get into attachment and then belief.
If someone believes that one person evolved into something weaker or dumber or lower than another because "SCIENCE HAS PROVED IT!" - - science don't prove anything. Science makes assumptions and tests them. Science has few 'laws', and many theories. And that's good.
Science (and medicine) has a fairly gross history of misogyny and racism. The 20th century - - for all of the incredible incredible advancements that were made, all the lives that were saved, all the discoveries - - was a pretty terrible time for certain practices.
Science is aces, but people can't be trusted.
Also, "science" is sometimes scary to people who don't see themselves as 'scientists'. And the people who claim to understand, who sometimes twist it for their own particular agendas, get to yell even louder. A similar thing happens with policy and politics. Agh.
(This is why I love science museums. Being cool with not understanding. Learning more. Getting curious and engaged. Good stuff! Science is for everyone! AGHH!!!)
- Attachment is a bitch. Attaching yourself to a particular anything is dangerous. (I am rather attached to the idea that birds are non-avian dinosaurs. Because that's what Jack Horner told me, and he's basically dino-prophet to me. And when he says these things, I feel amazing and affirmed in my belief. Plus, constantly SURROUNDED BY TINY DINOSAURS. Should I drop this attachment? YES. Because not only is it more scientific of me, dropping it opens up even more awesome possibilities.)
Would I love for everyone, including myself, to get a little more Buddhist, and work on stripping away attachment? Would I love everything to be happily and lovingly questioned? Yeah. I think that'd be excellent. However, am I thinking of tiny dinosaurs right now? Yes.
- Don't read the comments. Because the comments will inspire you to write a really long blog post.
It's disheartening, sad and familiar. "The internet can be a fantastic place or Hell on earth." This woman said that, after receiving DEATH THREATS for standing up for a friend of her's. (This friend of her's writes for a television show. WTF.)
We're incredibly connected, and so much of that connection is used for hardcore porn (which makes sense, and is totally another really long blog post) or, seemingly, for trolling. Anytime something is shared that's positive, it feels like a revelation.
Would I dig on some compassion and kindness? Do I love that the word "kind" seems to be creeping it's way into our vocabulary? Yes. Yesyesyes.
And so, as a chaser, let's all watch a clip from "Frankenweenie.". Better? At least a little better? Yeah.
I race around the Minneapolis/St. Paul area, working a number of gigs. I teach improv theater, work in museum theater, and also work as a performer (mostly doing improv, sketch, and interactive theater). I'm also a hackneyed musician and can draw pretty well too. I live with a fine little dog and a fine larger cat in a house with a porch.