What you can and can't...

Yesterday's Stitch n' Bitch went great, after a yesterday of little-house-things.

The cast was happily mowing away on nachoes (dear lord, I heart nachoes) and drink tickets and chatter, and my cell phone rang. It was my Uncle Dave. dammit.

My Grandpa Scott passed away last night. He was 95 years old. He had been sleeping a lot (like 18 hours a day?) and had been moved into hospice. I knew he hadn't been doing well, but I didn't know that.

I didn't know what to say to my Uncle except I love you and I'm so sorry. All I could think was how my Uncle lost his only brother (my dad) last year and now his father, and how that was so sad. But I couldn't feel anything myself, and so I walked back into the Bryant Lake Bowl and told the cast.

"...but I don't feel anything right now.." I didn't. This really confused me.

"Well, honey, that's because you're in shock," said my director.

"Oh."

I told them a little about my grandpa's situation and how sad I felt for my uncle. And then my director raised his glass and said, "Well, here's to Grandpa Scott." And I laughed and said, "Dammit, you've made it real." and stepped out to go cry.

So very lucky to be with such good people, and 'have them at the right time, in this situation. Called my mom, who told me about her medical and work stuff, and told me that we could use some good news as she's tired of the bad variety. Then talked to my sister, who just felt incredibly guilty, and cried. My brother-in-law called me, which was an affirmation that I have a brother by marriage now, and it was the nicest thing. After paying up at the BLB, 'drove to Drew's house for some incredibly generous hugs and time. (thank you!!)

Death and getting older and I feel sad and go to Iowa on Friday, probably. I get to see people I love and cry some more. There is no script for this stuff, and there's a strange feeling that we don't know if we're doing it right. So I'll blog about it, my sister will cry, and my mom will worry over the practical.

I love Grandpa Scott and now he's in heaven, hangin' with my dad and my grandma. He saw a lot, and was smart, kind, funny, incredibly generous, softspoken, and short. He wore cardigans and was an excellent golfer. He married a beautiful woman way back in the 30s or so, and had two awesome boys who grew up in the 50s. His hair turned a perfect white sometime in the 70s or 80s, and he always looked dapper as hell. So very lucky to know him.

What a day... I might go run around a lake, or I might just stay in my pjs for a bit. Maybe I'll buy some dogfood for the incredibly needy maltipoo on my left.

Onward.